By Brad Smith

Valentine’s Day: the most emotionally bipolar day of the year. It is an entirely stupid and arbitrary day in the middle of winter that we have chosen to express our love to others or, for some, wallow in self-pity. (Actually Feb. 14 isn’t entirely arbitrary; it’s the day Saint Valentine was buried. But no one actually knows much about Saint Valentine. Any story you hear about him performing illegal weddings for the sake of love are really just speculative and probably as much myth as truth… kinda like every religious holiday.)

For some reason, a lot of people (read: girls) seem to put a lot of stock into Valentine’s Day. Obviously it’s nothing more than a corporate creation to sell some heart-shaped products in the post-Christmas months when sales are slumping. Millions of guys will succumb to the advertisements and buy their girlfriends or wives (hopefully not both) chocolate and flowers that exhibit exactly zero creativity or effort, yet the recipients of these gifts will feel filled with love. They must all put out that night too otherwise I have no idea why guys keep buying this shit. I guess if you actually do something really special for Valentine’s Day, that’s cool, but why not do it spontaneously on a random night? Definitely more romantic than the expected date on Valentine’s Day.

Really, though, I’ve got no real problem with people who want to celebrate Valentine’s Day. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/fiancé/exceptionally-good-friend-with-benefits this Valentine’s Day and want to go big, go for it. It’s an easy way to score some solid points (I guess? It’s been a few years since I actually celebrated Valentine’s Day). And even more importantly, since the female in the relationship probably has some sort of expectations for Valentine’s Day, you’ll likely be in the dog house if you completely opt out of the corporate peddling.

I do, however, have a problem with the people who get depressed because they’re single on Valentine’s Day.In addition to the relationship girls, we have the sad single girls. These girls throw themselves a bigger pity party than when they didn’t have anyone to kiss at midnight on New Year’s. (If you don’t fall into either of these categories, congratulations.) You girls realize you’re just emotionally torturing yourselves, right? No need for your anxiety, it’s all in your head. You’re no more alone on Valentine’s Day than you were last Tuesday and your friends who have boyfriends are no more in love.

Either be depressed all the time and get yourself a prescription for Zoloft or suck it up. Don’t use Valentine’s Day as an excuse to feel sorry for yourself.

(A quick side note about love: If you’re searching for your “soul mate” or think you’ve found them, then you’re probably stupid enough to buy into the annual Valentine’s Day hype and commercialism. You really think in a world of 7 billion people you found the only one “meant” for you? There’s probably a girl or guy in California or Brazil or the next town over who you’ll never meet who’s just as good for you as whoever you end up with. Finding love is as much about physical proximity and geography as it is about an actual connection. Not saying love isn’t real, just saying get that fairy tale bullshit out of your heads.)

In the end, all I’m trying to say is this: If you’re alone on Valentine’s Day, it’s no more of a problem than any other day. I don’t want to hear about how lonely you are or the flip side — how defiantly independent you are. Don’t tweet about it or update your Facebook status about it; I’m definitely not the only one who doesn’t give a shit.

If you’re single and Valentine’s Day affects your life in anyway whatsoever, you’ve got bigger issues than being single (like being stupid). Maybe fix those and you won’t be single. And don’t bother with “all my friends have someone to spend tonight with and I don’t” — your friends in relationships have someone to spend every Friday and Saturday night with too. Valentine’s Day is literally no different.

Feel free to satisfy your codependency by spending Valentine’s Day on Tinder getting weird with some strangers or get drunk and call your ex. Just don’t whine about it in a public forum where I have to waste more than 1 second on your pathetic bitching.

P.S. People often tell me I’m really quite a romantic.